A Panorama of the Passion

April 4, 2010

 
Pt 1: The Death Day of Jesus Christ

Millions believe that all of human history hinges on a killing that occurred outside the walls of Jerusalem, nearly two thousand years ago. Jesus of Nazareth entered the city on a donkey one day and left carrying a cross. This was an apparent victory for the Pharisees, an incomprehensible tragedy for his disciples, and a brutal spectacle for the multitudes. It was also a great disappointment to Jews clinging to conventional expectations of the Messiah. Their prophets had foretold a Son of David who would liberate the nation of Israel, restoring her to earthly supremacy. Yet there was Jesus—the supposed “King of the Jews”—hanging powerless on a blood-drenched tree.

According to the Evangelists, the wandering rabbi saw it coming. Three chapters of John’s Gospel are devoted to Jesus’ reflection upon his impending demise. It was all part of a master plan—one antithetical to mundane sensibilities. As he told Pilate: “My kingdom is not of this world.” (Jn 18:36)

Death by crucifixion was commonplace in ancient societies—from Babylon to the British Isles—but that made the sight of dying criminals hanging on trees no less horrifying. Contemporary observers record numerous variations upon this sadistic art. The ancient Romans considered it to be the absolute worst form of execution—above both decapitation and being burned alive. It was therefore a sentence reserved for the lowest classes, the so-called servile supplicium—the ”slaves’ punishment.” Stripped, shamed, beaten, and hung out to dry—only an extreme masochist would call this a winner’s fate.

Yet Jesus’ crucifixion came to be hailed as the most magnificent moment of the greatest story ever told. The scene is reenacted every year in church Passion Plays, enshrined in stained glass the world over, rendered in high-res Hollywood effects, echoed in history’s glorified martyrs. Of course, there are various accounts of what actually transpired that day.

The confusion begins with the Gospels. According to Matthew, Mark, and Luke, Jesus died at 3pm on the day after Passover—thus placing the Last Supper in its Paschal context. Mark even specifies the time of crucifixion as being 9am. According to John, however, Jesus was crucified after noon, on the day before Passover—thus linking him to the sacrificial lambs being killed in the Temple. (Mk 15:25, 34; Jn 19:14)

Gospel accounts of Jesus’ final words are also contradictory. Matthew and Mark portray a sorrowful Jesus, moaning: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” In Luke, Jesus calls out faithfully: “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” And in John—who consistently refers to Jesus’ immanent death as his “glorification”—Christ proclaims victoriously: “It is accomplished!” before giving up the ghost. (Mt 27:46; Lk 23:46, Jn 19:30)

From there the theologies multiply like gold crucifixes in a Vatican sweatshop. Jesus becomes the ultimate Passover lamb—an unblemished offering slaughtered for carnivorous rites. He is the final human sacrifice for the sins of the world—a ransom to the Devil for all the souls in Hell. For the oppressed, Jesus’ death represents the suffering of innocent men and women throughout humanity’s continuous miscarriage of Justice. Some scholars interpret his death as a fulfillment of the Prophets—others call him a failed Messiah. To skeptics, the Passion seems like a reckless suicide, or a divine infanticide, or just another fanciful myth of a dying and rising god. The more mystical types see a symbol for the individual self surrendering to Absolute Divinity—”Not as I will, but as you will.” (Mt 26:39) And of course, for some the crucifixion is simply a morbid joke. The Word may be one, but its faces are many.

Even more baffling—and more often than not, ignored—is Jesus’ demand that one must take up his or her own cross to become his disciple. (Mt 10:38; Lk 14:27) A review of the long history of martyrdom reveals many who did. In a figurative sense, this willing self-sacrifice is shared by the monastics and stringent ascetics who have died to the world in order to find God.

Though Paul of Tarsus is quite confident in his interpretation that Jesus died to atone for the sins of humankind, the Evangelists—recording what Jesus actually said—are not so conclusive.  Jesus’ words are often cryptic and paradoxical, generally raising questions rather than granting certainty.  Whether the magic of the Nazarene’s sacrifice lies in the moment of his death, the power of its image, or in clever postmortem promotion, one message does appear repeatedly in the Gospels: by denying material preoccupations and the cravings of the body—perhaps even destroying the body outright—one comes closer to God.

In this light, Jesus’ Passion represents a total inversion of typical worldly values. It is common sense that the good things in life are hearty food, a prime sexual partner, fertile land, sufficient fortifications, and nice possessions. As the new Spring dawns, we are reminded of what a bitter sacrifice Jesus truly made by dying at the height of his manhood. Therefore it comes as no surprise that most Christians are content to share his burden vicariously—through ritual drama and elaborate artifice. And who could blame them?

Yet for the attentive student, unsettling doubts remain. What did Jesus mean when he said: “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.”? (Lk 14:26) Pressed day-by-day to “be somebody,” what are we to make of his cryptic prophesy: “For all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Lk 14:11)

Those who have chosen martyrdom or the monastic path must already know. As for the rest of us, we are left in the comfort of our fleeting securities to quietly wonder.

[see Pt 2 below]


0 :{)

April 4, 2010


Pt 2: Images of Jesus Resurrected
 

So it came to pass that Jesus died and was buried, leaving his followers in total confusion. What would become of them now that their master had gone? If Jesus was not the Anointed One—prophecied to deliver Jerusalem from her oppressors—then who was he?

Numerous answers have been proposed. Over the next two thousand years, Christianity would spread across the entire globe. As the Gospel was told and retold, different perspectives created countless images of Jesus.

As usual, each Evangelist tells his own version of what happened after Mary Magdalene discovered the empty tomb. Suffice it to say that while there are common threads, each account is remarkably different. Yet one peculiar detail—described in both Luke and John—stands out. When Jesus reappears to the mourning disciples, they do not recognize him at first. (Lk 24:16; Jn 20:14)

If Jesus did not look like himself, who did he look like? As it turns out, he would look different to every culture and each individual that encountered the Gospel. More often than not, he began to look just like them.

We first meet Jesus as a wandering Rabbi prone to invective diatribes. His ministry was to the nation of Israel, to whom he interpreted the Torah, and the Gospels consistently frame his life—and death—as a fulfillment of the Prophets. When asked which commandment in the Law is the greatest, Jesus responded:

‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind… And you shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the prophets.”

As with many bright minds of Jewish lore, Jesus was despised by the reigning authorities. They were tired of his constant confrontations, and troubled by bold claims that he was the Son of God. So they did what rulers do best—they had him killed. But they could not kill his words, which would go on to pervade the world.

The Gospel of John describes Jesus as the Word incarnate—the Logos (Gk. λόγος). “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God… And the Word became flesh and lived among us…” (Jn 1:1, 14) This term was loaded with multiple meanings. In classical Greek thought (particularly Stoicism), Logos refers to the underlying rational principle—synonymous with God or Nature—which directs and sustains the Universe. By identifying Jesus as an incarnation of the Logos, John imagines a divine being—a demigod—that would be familiar to any Greek listener. Jesus’ identity is shifted to meet the theological expectations of Greek culture. Such a refashioning would prove to be quite common as the Gospels spread.

Among the popular mystery schools of the Hellenistic and Roman worlds was the cult of Osiris—the ancient Egyptian god of the dead. According to the myth, Osiris was betrayed and murdered by his wicked brother, Seth, who eventually cut him into pieces, scattering the parts throughout the world. Osiris’ wife, Isis, combed the land for each piece until she had recovered her husband’s body—except his penis, for which she fashioned a replacement. Isis put his dismembered corpse back together and performed magical rituals to give him eternal life. The resurrected Osiris then went on to the Underworld where he judges and rules over the dead.

Many scholars have noted significant parallels between the stories of Osiris and Jesus. Again, to an ancient audience which knew the story of Osiris, the Gospel narrative would be quite familiar. While Christian apologists have claimed that such ancient myths are satanic deceptions or pagan prophecies of the coming Christ, other scholars have suggested that the Gospel narrative is simply a clever retelling of these “dying and rising god” motifs.

Indeed, many scholars have searched extensively for resonant themes between pagan mythology and the Gospel—sometimes grasping at straws, but other times uncovering fascinating parallels. Sometimes one finds strong evidence of pagan influence upon New Testament narratives. But these bridges run both ways—sometimes one finds that the Christ image has been incorporated into the theology of other religions.

The International Society of Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON)—a popular form of bhakti Vishnu devotion—is a case in point. Worshipped throughout India, Krishna is hailed by his devotees as an incarnation of Vishnu, the Supreme Being. ISKCON, and Vaishnavism in general, is distinctive in its ready acceptance—and occasional incorporation—of the divine representatives of other religions. As such, Jesus is considered to be one of many incarnations of the Supreme Being, sent to the West in order to restore divinity to our part of the world. Faced with the challenge of explaining the variety of religious expressions, Hinduism has generally taken the stance that all religions are different paths leading to the same mountaintop.

For medieval Catholic evangelists pouring into Europe, however, there was only one path to Heaven—and the hostile Aryan tribes they encountered were not on it.  These pagan warriors became an unbelievably difficult conversion project for proselytizing priests, who were consistently slaughtered.  The chieftain’s devotion to the horned god, Odinn (Woden, Wotan) was unshakeable.  Revered as the source of magical Intelligence, poetic Inspiration, and lascivious Intoxication, Odinn was—in modern vernacular—”the bitch’s bastard.”

There was one chink in the god’s armor, however. According to the myths, Odinn gained his knowledge of the runes—the magical Words—by hanging himself from the World Tree.  Through this bodily mortification, he was given a new vitality.  The authors of The Heliand exploited such parallels magnificently. An ingenious amalgamation of the four Gospels, The Heliand takes great liberties in retelling Jesus’ story, casting him as the most powerful chieftain and his disciples as his warrior “thanes.”  The berserker hordes could really feel this one, and the rest is history.

African American liberation theologians have found a kindred spirit in Jesus as well. For them, Jesus represents the vindication of slaves throughout history. Seeing reflections of the Passion in the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X—indeed, in every horrific lynching of a Negro—liberation theology finds solace in the promise that the meek shall inherit the earth. Jesus preached that the exalted would be humbled and the humble would be exalted. What greater hope could be offered to the battered spirits of those scarred by the whip of slavery?

Jesus may not have been black—he certainly didn’t look like a white man either. Then again, after the Summer of Love abolished the shave and a haircut, plenty of white guys wound up looking a lot like Jesus. During the Sixties and Seventies, millions of suburbanite teenagers turned on and tuned in to the Golden Rule. As resistance to the war in Vietnam and the class struggles of the Civil Rights Movement intensified, a popular reaction among America’s Baby Boomers was one of total pacifism. To their credit, these kids didn’t just turn the other cheek—they submitted themselves to brutal beatings by riot police. Bristling with a psychedelic Sanhedrin complex, love-crazed hippies jammed flowers into the rifletips of the Establishment’s centurions.

Even pop icons of the era struck a Jesus Christ pose. Some of the Love Generation’s most notable rockstars died young—and to phenomenal fanfare. Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison all passed at the tender age of 27. They had suffered passionately for their art—finding their own view from Golgotha at the bottom of a bottle—and were mourned by their fans with all the breast-beating fervor of devout worshippers at a Passion Play.

Hedonistic rockstar martyrdom has a long tradition. From Robert Johnson, Hank Williams, and Buddy Holly, to the sacred lambs of Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, and Tupac Shakur, many music industry fortunes have been accumulated by riding the shock waves of a dying star.

Of course, plenty of fortunes are accumulated every day in the name of Jesus. World-renowned televangelists, megachurch superpastors, and all the various promoters of the so-called “Prosperity Gospel” are totally unashamed to portray worldly wealth as a conspicuous sign of God’s grace. This tradition of holy treasury also has a long history. The Catholic Church has always been a prominent landholder, collecting gold as shrewdly as it does redeemed souls. Where there is a concentration of devout followers, there is almost always a substantial pile of widows’ mites, covered in rust and swarming with moths.

Jesus held a perplexing view of worldly wealth. He once quipped:

 ”It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven… [but] with God, all things are possible.” (Mk 10:25-27)

The infinite possibilities of God must have been apparent to those who witnessed Jesus’ spectacular healings, but today most people do not wait for otherworldly miracles. We generally turn to the modern heirs of Hippocrates: the physicians, surgeons, lab technicians, and pharmacologists who heal the ailing body by directly manipulating its biomachinery—and with remarkable success. One would imagine that an ER surgeon would have as much success reattaching the ear of the Roman soldier as Jesus did in Gethsemane—but only if the soldier was insured.

The wonders of science and technology turn the magical powers of ancient lore into commonplace phenomena. Today we enjoy cellphone telepathy — televised scrying — the laying on of ointment-slathered hands — Lazarus revisited in the defibrillator — mountains moved telekinetically by hulking Caterpillars — reality programming via cyber-surfing — the Internet as a virtual Oversoul — even uploaded reincarnation and cryogenic resurrection are tantalizing possibilities on the horizon. Fueled by the Promethean impulse of our post-human age, we fashion ourselves into cybernetic images of Jesus.

Arthur C. Clarke’s third law of prediction is apt:

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

So it comes as no surprise that there are people who imagine Jesus as a high-tech extraterrestrial being, descending to Earth from another world to save the human race from self-annihilation. You will find them waiting on the deserted fringes for the Second Coming of the Mothership. Hopefully they won’t wait too long.

With every individual’s introduction to the Gospel, our wandering Nazarene is resurrected as a unique image of Jesus. With any luck, the potential of our human imagination is nowhere near exhaustion. If there is one valid image, it is up to each individual to decide for his or herself which is the one true Jesus. Otherwise, I suppose there is nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the show.

 

[In Loving Memory of Dr. David Dungan - renowned scholar on the Images of Jesus - my mentor and confidant whom I will forever hold dear.]


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April 4, 2010

Resources

“Crucifixion.” “Passion.” The Anchor Bible Dictionary. Eds. David Noel Freedman, et al. New York: Doubleday, 1992.

Dungan, David L.  A History of the Synoptic Problem: The Canon, the Text, the Composition, and the Interpretation of the Gospels.  New York: Doubleday, 1999.

Ehrman, Bart D.  The New Testament: A Historical Introduction to the Early Christian Writings.  3rd ed.  New York: Oxford University Press, 2004.

Goad, Jim.  The Redneck Manifesto: How Hillbillies, Hicks, and White Trash Became America’s Scapegoats. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998.

Johnson, Paul.  The History of Christianity.  London: Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1997.

Kurzweil, Ray.  The Age of Spiritual Machines.  New York: Viking, 1999.

Lachman, Gary. Turn Off Your Mind: The Mystic Sixties and the Dark Side of the Age of Aquarius.  New York: The Disinformation Company, Ltd., 2003.

Murphy, S.J., G. Ronald. The Heliand: The Saxon Gospel.  Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1992.

New Oxford Annotated Bible. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2010.

“Osiris.” “Resurrection.” The Encyclopedia of Religion.  Ed. Mircea Eliade.  New York: Collier MacMillan, 1987.

Patterson, R. Gary.  Take a Walk on the Dark Side: Rock n’ Roll Myths, Legends, and Curses.  New York: Fireside, 2004. 

Peale, Norman Vincent. The Power of Positive Thinking.  New York: Prentice Hall, Inc, 1952.

Prabhupada, A.C. Bhaktivedanta. Bhagavad-Gita: As It Is.  The Bhaktivedanta Book Trust, 1986.

Smith, Huston.  The World’s Religions. San Francisco: Harper’s, 1991.

Thompson, Dave.  Better to Burn Out: The Cult of Death in Rock n’ Roll.  New York: Thunder’s Mouth Press, 1999.


How St. Patrick Drove the Snakes to Our Shore

March 17, 2010

 

The East Nashville St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl is a smashing success—meaning you can’t move through the bar at more than 3 steps per minute because the place is packed with aspiring alpha males wearing green t-shirts that read: “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” and “I’m a Keeper.”  There are booty-grinding girls with green plastic barf-buckets perched on their heads and glowing shamrock necklaces hanging between their breasts. My face is pelted by furry shamrock antennaes worn on wobbling crania. Outside I see rows of green-striped Sheriff cars to contain this drunken St. Patranalia.

Why is the Death Day of Ireland’s patron saint now celebrated by all of Crackerkind?  What is it about the dawning of Spring that inspires young and old alike to cram into pubs and spend more green than they’re wearing?   

Many ancient cultures in the Northern Hemisphere—particularly the Romans—celebrated the New Year on or around the Vernal Equinox (occurring on March 20 this year).    

Though the Roman New Year was officially changed to January under Caesar in 46 B.C.E., plenty of the more provincial or “barbaric” people—who couldn’t be bothered to change their ways on account of Roman city-folk—continued to celebrate the New Year at the beginning of Spring. The ambience of newness would have surely seemed more appropriate than during the dead of winter.   

This seasonal transition was a time of hope and promise. Having endured the long frozen nights huddled around the hearth—stricken with the anxiety of possessing a limited store of food and by grief over the deaths of family members overcome by the cold—the Vernal Equinox signaled a coming respite from the harsh winter. The more festive and foolhardy would empty their stores of meats and liquor in the hopes that more would be accumulated in the Spring.   

Though the Druids of Ireland held their most important Spring Rites on Beltane (May 1st), it is certainly possible that the ancient Celts also shared the tradition of celebrating the Vernal Equinox. After all, it is hard to imagine that days and nights of equal length would be unimportant to a people that constructed numerous circular magaliths to track the annual path of the Sun. It is therefore plausible that St. Patrick’s Death Day was imposed upon this ancient solar celebration by a Celtic Church willing to embrace certain aspects of pagan culture.

According to Catholic history, Patrick was born in Britain to parents of wealthy Roman heritage. He was kidnapped by Irish marauders as a teenager and sold into slavery.  After years of shepherding for his tribal masters, he was visited by visions of God, who instructed him to run away to the coast.  He was promptly rescued by sailors and whisked off to France, where he became a disciple of St. Germanus of Auxerre. Patrick remained abroad for many years, eventually becoming a bishop.

It was another heavenly visitation—as well as Patrick’s unswerving love of the Irish people—that compelled him to return to Ireland circa 433.  The saint’s affection for the people who had enslaved him is looked upon as a shining example of Christian forgiveness. Upon his arrival, the bishop proceeded to convert the heathen people, deposing the reigning Druid priests and building churches in their sacred groves. It is St. Patrick who is credited with Ireland’s transition from Celtic Paganism to Roman Catholicism—mythologized by the tale of him driving every last snake from the Dark Island. His deeds are celebrated a few days before the Vernal Equinox—on the day of his death—commemorating Ireland’s new beginning.   

It was surely the promise of new beginnings—tempered with weepy nostalgia for their home country—which inspired Irish Americans to embrace St. Patrick’s Day with such fervor. The old greeting cards from the early 1900s feature watercolors of castle ruins nestled into the green countryside, mischievous leprechauns, or placid island bays—perhaps the last memory that some immigrants had of home.  Many of these cards read: “Erin Go Bragh.”  This is a popular Anglicized form of the Gaelic phrase “Eiraenn Go Brach”, meaning “Ireland Forever!”  
 
St. Patrick’s Day has traditionally been used by Irish Catholics as a short break from the abstinence of Lent, hence the accepted practice of drunken revelry. The holiday’s popularity in America grew around jubilant New York City parades, the dyed green rivers of Chicago and Savannah, and more recently, advertisements extolling the virtues of Guiness Stout.
 
I imagine that observing their Irish countrymen having so much fun—as well as the general American tendency to shamelessly jump on any bandwagon—must have moved non-Irish Americans to join in for the sake of a good drink.  After all, there isn’t a Chex Mix laddie alive who doesn’t crave a neat Jameson when the band breaks into a Celtic jig.  That’s just genetics, man!
 
So it is that today we see bars across America breaking sales records on March 17. On this fine day we can look upon functional alcoholism, withered livers, socially sanctioned anti-social behavior, and broken blood-vessels beneath pasty flesh with mirth rather than self-righteous disdain.  Drunk tanks are filled with green-clad college kids and the coming year is seeded with a new generation of bastard sons, while the streets of Savannah and Boston flow with rivers of barf and broken teeth.  St. Patrick drove the snakes of pagan revelry to our shores, where we welcome their venom with jubilant toasts.
 
It’s called a good time on the town.
 
So raise a glass to a re-contextualized tradition, Lads and Lassies, and forget your winter woes!

Eireann Go Brach!!

     —JoeBot 

  


Cupid with Bat Wings

February 15, 2010

 

The big day has come and gone, like plastic-wrapped sexual organs—roses in cellophane or otherwise.  For some, Valentine’s Day is just another occasion to profess undying love for their soul-mates.  For others, it’s a culturally sanctioned excuse to hook up with some bar-crawling random for no other reason than the calendar date—yet another Catholic celebration given over to Russell-Stover and the Devil’s playful hands. 

Who is this Saint Valentine, and how did he lead me to my first “Valentine’s Day Singles Party” last night?  With no books on the subject nearby, I turn to the InterWeb for answers (Wikipedia, History.com, NewAdvent.org, shit like that). 

Various accounts identify Valentine as a third-century Roman martyr, who was beheaded on February 14 at the order of Emperor Claudius II—the more amorous legends claim that he was killed for marrying young Roman soldiers to their beloveds, despite the Emperor’s decree that unwed soldiers make superior warriors.  “The Golden Legend”—now propagated by the greeting card industry—claims that Valentine wrote his last letter to the daughter of a prison guard whom he had healed, signing “From your Valentine”.

Throughout human history, morbid romance has been a foolproof panty-dropper.

In 1847, Esther Howland struck holiday gold by selling beautiful valentine cards from her Worcester, Massachusetts home.  Building on the already popular “mechanical valentines” being produced in British print-factories, Ms. Howland created an American sensation with her proxy love proposals adorned in paper lace.  [http://www.emotionscards.com/museum/estherhowland.htm]

Howland knew what all Merchants of Romance know: The dance of human mating is an awkward affair—oftentimes unbearably so.  Our primal instincts have been drowned in an ocean of cultural nuance and inherited neuroses.  Therefore, paradoxically, we become immersed in some external medium in order to express ourselves: from movies and candlelit dinners, to booty-grinding and NASCAR races, to bondage clubs and church picnics. 

Valentine’s Day is the epitome of this principle.  By directing our lovers’ attention toward outward things like embossed cards or gooey chocolates, we are free to be ourselves without all of that suffocating scrutiny.  Our flaws fade away behind a face full of flowers.

It was Esther Howland’s pioneering work of emotional manipulation that paved the way for my own card-making enterprise—which is how I ended up selling Valentine’s Day cards at a local art showcase, where I met three pretty young ladies prowling the scene, and received a cordial invitation to their “Valentine’s Day Singles Party”.

Over the next week I met them out a few times, once for drinks, another time at a concert.  I was already leery by the time I showed up at the party, but there I was.

Imagine this: A roadie-come-card-maker.  Two Chicago girls in their mid-twenties: one a long-legged concert promotion intern, the other a cute Magnet School teacher.  A pretty little Nashville débutante and her burly ex-boyfriend.  Two strapping Boston boys working on their PhDs in Bio-Medicine.  And of course, a few other females of bountiful body, each possessing a lot of character.

I arrive late, as usual, and the party’s in full swing.  There are empty beer containers everywhere—Budweiser, Bud Light, Yuengling.  Everyone is gathered around some sort of drinking game in the living room.  The balding Bio-Med whirls to me with wild eyes, wearing an empty 12-pack box on his head for some unknown infraction—I dare not ask.  Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” is blasting from the computer in the corner.

The leggy intern hops up and hugs me close.  She pulls me into a seat, giving me a Bud Light and a box of Valentine’s Day Nerds—From: her – To: me.  She tells me she’s glad I made it.  She strokes my knee.  Someone hands me a set of dice.

I’ve witnessed these drinking games before.  The rules are completely esoteric to the point of seeming arbitrary.  This particular game went something like this: I roll the dice.  Someone tells me to drink and roll again.  I roll again.  Someone tells the Magnet School teacher to drink.  She rolls.  Now the Bio-Med student has to drink his whole beer.  She rolls again.  Now everyone drinks, including me.  Aren’t we all too old for this shit, or am I the only one?

I look around.  There are red Dollar Store streamers decorating the living room.  Crimson balloons bouncing on the ceiling.  A few crumpled valentines lay discarded on the floor, looking like battered vaginas spread to the world.

One of the Bostonian Bio-Med boys, the one going bald before our eyes, begins heckling the pretty Nashville girl about the inadequacies of the South.  She becomes more furious by the minute, telling him to go the fuck back home then.  Her burly ex-boyfriend eyes them both nervously.

There is a deck of cards spread out on the table, face down.  The Magnet School teacher has written a code on the mirror.

2 – You

3 – Me

4 – Whores

5 – Never Have I Ever

6 – Dicks

7 – Heaven

8 – Mate

9 – Rhyme 

And so on.  I’m not sure what’s happening here.  I wonder if public nudity is imminent.  I hope I don’t draw a 6.  Nothing good could come of that.

The intern draws a 2.  She tells me to drink.   I draw a 3.  Now I have to drink again.  The balding Bostonian mentions to the pretty Nashville girl that people are smarter up North.  Then he draws a 7 and points to the sky, as does everyone else.  Since I didn’t point in time, I drink.  They give me another Bud Light. 

One of the bountiful girls with a face full of character draws a 5.  Everyone puts up five fingers.  She says “Never have I ever…  seen my parents having sex!”  A few people cringe, recount a chilling anecdote or two, then put a finger down.

The Nashville debutante says “Never have I ever…  had anal sex.”  Fingers go down. 

“Giving or receiving?” I ask.

“Either.”

More fingers go down and the game goes on.  Before long, I’m down to one finger and it’s my turn.

“Never have I ever…  set an infant on fire…  intentionally.”  The room freezes for a moment.  I figured it was better than just saying “abortion.”  No one puts a finger down.  Then the long-legged intern says:

“Never have I ever…  been titty fucked.”  Fingers fall across the room.  She looks around, self-righteous yet somehow apologetic.  “I just haven’t yet.”

The burly ex-boyfriend says:  “Never have I ever…  used products to keep my hair from falling out.”  He glares at the balding Bostonian, relishing his friend’s curling finger.  The balding Bostonian says:

“Never have I ever…  brought a stupid bitch to an otherwise great party.”

The Nashville débutante storms out of the apartment.  Her ex-boyfriend chases after her.  The games go on without them.  Innuendos mount among the girls with lots of character, but the remaining guys start making other plans.  The non-balding Bostonian disappears with the cute Magnet School teacher.  Public speculation abounds.  Horny-levels are rising. 

I glance at the leggy intern, thinking of the drunken text she sent late last night before passing out.  The invitation to bed didn’t surprise me.  Two nights before, her former sorority sister told me that she was a “hussy.”  I had to wonder, was her friend giving me a warning, getting my hopes up, or just clam-jamming?  I stare down at the crumpled valentines on the floor.

There is a strange juxtaposition here: infantilized social interaction coupled with jaded sexual excess.  Most of these kids are absolutely brilliant—future doctors and teachers.  It fascinates me how innocent they are, yet so comfortable with debauchery.  He’s fucked her and her, after she fucked him.  And him, and him—the same night he fucked her, before he got caught fucking him.  Cupid has bat-wings these days, lobbing dildo-tipped arrows at our lost generation.

I thought about this as I walked through the snow alone.  There is no need for flowers or moonlit gardens or letters slipped through windowsills anymore. 

This is sexual liberation in a throw-away world, where true love is just a pop song, and pop songs are ringtones that get deleted like so many farts in the wind.  Passion as a bodily function—that’s just not my style.  I’d rather give myself a valentine.  And so I did.


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